I'm only human
Of course as I promise you guys that I will be blogging more #lifehappens! I honestly feel like it has been such an uphill struggle this past week, I have to sit and take a few minutes to reflect and reevaluate and just vent! If you're not into venting, then you might want to find some more blogs to follow :X
I'll start by saying that job hunting... is HARD! It has almost been a month and all the momentum I had going is now screeching to a halt, which is draining. I feel useless, worthless and seeing the same postings and filling out the same information is so repetitive just to hang on the thread of MAYBE I'll get an interview. I know that the whole process takes a while and it is like this, especially in this economy, the majority of the time. I think it was just so exciting at first because I was on a roll. In one week I had 4 interviews and a shadow, and I thought that maybe I was going somewhere. I know I will get a job eventually, but I just have to keep my standards higher than normal and one day I'll look back on this time and remember the struggles and how they were worth it.
It is a little unnerving though because not only am I trying to go back to work, I will also be stepping up to take care of my grandmother in the mean time. Last week she was admitted to the hospital because of chest pains and she was just sick (not feeling herself AT ALL) and exhausted. We attempted to go to the fair that day, but all of us knew that it wasn't a good idea. She was transported to the hospital from our family doctor's office and there they conducted test after test, and she saw doctor after doctor. All the tests, orders and diagnosis were contradictory. For the first few days she was being treated for pneumonia. Finally, she (as my grandmother does) put her foot down and ordered her team of doctors to the hospital and it turns out that she did NOT have pneumonia... she had fluid around her heart and the spots on the x-rays of her lungs that they thought was pneumonia was actually just her normal deterioration.... gah I hate saying that! Her fluids are building up around her organs because of her slowing kidney functions. So as it stands, today they will be putting a catheter in and beginning the first stages of dialysis. She will remain in the hospital for recovery and observation of this procedure and to see how she does on dialysis and then will receive treatments multiple times a week, and hopefully she will be on the mend. Many say this can go either way, but at this point I think that it is time for her to undergo treatment or else she'll just keep getting sick. I'll be the one transporting her to and from treatments the majority of the time, so I'll be there to hold her hand, comfort her, and talk her through everything... as she's done for me MANY times in my life.
Of course I'm scared for her, but I am just praying to God that this will be the boost she's needed for a long time. She's 77, and still full of life and spirit and seeing her health dwindle because she's so stubborn has been so hard for myself and my entire family.
With this scary interruption to our routine I have definitely been taking notes and learning how to juggle something like this in my life. My dishes have sat for days, my floors go unswept, toys in NO order whatsoever, and my laundry is piling up in one disheveled mess. I've been eating whatever I can, whenever I can (I've prepped as much as I can, but some days are better than others), and of course I am starting my hour-long blocks of Insanity, and finding the time to do that is hard because when I DO get a minute to relax, that's just what I want to do because of the hectic driving and visiting and errands and what not. I "know" I could wake up earlier, but that is my time to reflect, and blog! I know this is kind of a "poor you" situation because I don't have the same schedules as working mother's, but it is equally as difficult when you have your time devoted to a little one, and her great grandmother, AND the fact that she hasn't taken hardly any day-time naps lately thanks to the traveling and interruptions with being in the hospital and what not... I know... boohoo! In a perfect world I would be taking my emotions out on my workouts, but how can I when I can't disconnect from the worry about my family, my house, my job search, everything just piles up in my head and I literally can't shut it off from the time I wake up to the time I finally get to close my eyes. I'm not finding an excuse to not eat healthy and be fit, I'm finding an excuse to feel like a human. I am not a machine, I have emotions and I am definitely the kind of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. No matter what emotion I'm feeling, you know it. I've felt guilty for trying to put my workouts before trips in the hospital, but felt guilty for putting them off when I know I have time. Life is such a balancing act, and maybe I do have to dial back on working out and how much time I spend doing so, or find something to fill that time effectively, or even just push through like I've been taught to do and suck it up. Who knows... This is where advice is appreciated! Even if it's just to take a break (maybe that's what I need to hear) and put certain things on the back burner.. WITHOUT GUILT!
Regardless, I WILL find a way to make this craziness all work whether it's adding or subtracting certain things for a little bit. I know things could be MUCH worse in my life and I am definitely taking a step back and counting my blessings, each and every one of them. Because you truly never know when things like this happen, and all you can do is use each and every incident as a learning experience. I've found myself internalizing this whole situation and it hasn't helped lately. I've been sad, angry, depressed, happy to cover the pain, and felt so many other emotions, but I wanted to let you all know that I can and will overcome this because I have strength within me, and around me.
Count your blessings,
Gina
I'll start by saying that job hunting... is HARD! It has almost been a month and all the momentum I had going is now screeching to a halt, which is draining. I feel useless, worthless and seeing the same postings and filling out the same information is so repetitive just to hang on the thread of MAYBE I'll get an interview. I know that the whole process takes a while and it is like this, especially in this economy, the majority of the time. I think it was just so exciting at first because I was on a roll. In one week I had 4 interviews and a shadow, and I thought that maybe I was going somewhere. I know I will get a job eventually, but I just have to keep my standards higher than normal and one day I'll look back on this time and remember the struggles and how they were worth it.
It is a little unnerving though because not only am I trying to go back to work, I will also be stepping up to take care of my grandmother in the mean time. Last week she was admitted to the hospital because of chest pains and she was just sick (not feeling herself AT ALL) and exhausted. We attempted to go to the fair that day, but all of us knew that it wasn't a good idea. She was transported to the hospital from our family doctor's office and there they conducted test after test, and she saw doctor after doctor. All the tests, orders and diagnosis were contradictory. For the first few days she was being treated for pneumonia. Finally, she (as my grandmother does) put her foot down and ordered her team of doctors to the hospital and it turns out that she did NOT have pneumonia... she had fluid around her heart and the spots on the x-rays of her lungs that they thought was pneumonia was actually just her normal deterioration.... gah I hate saying that! Her fluids are building up around her organs because of her slowing kidney functions. So as it stands, today they will be putting a catheter in and beginning the first stages of dialysis. She will remain in the hospital for recovery and observation of this procedure and to see how she does on dialysis and then will receive treatments multiple times a week, and hopefully she will be on the mend. Many say this can go either way, but at this point I think that it is time for her to undergo treatment or else she'll just keep getting sick. I'll be the one transporting her to and from treatments the majority of the time, so I'll be there to hold her hand, comfort her, and talk her through everything... as she's done for me MANY times in my life.
Of course I'm scared for her, but I am just praying to God that this will be the boost she's needed for a long time. She's 77, and still full of life and spirit and seeing her health dwindle because she's so stubborn has been so hard for myself and my entire family.
With this scary interruption to our routine I have definitely been taking notes and learning how to juggle something like this in my life. My dishes have sat for days, my floors go unswept, toys in NO order whatsoever, and my laundry is piling up in one disheveled mess. I've been eating whatever I can, whenever I can (I've prepped as much as I can, but some days are better than others), and of course I am starting my hour-long blocks of Insanity, and finding the time to do that is hard because when I DO get a minute to relax, that's just what I want to do because of the hectic driving and visiting and errands and what not. I "know" I could wake up earlier, but that is my time to reflect, and blog! I know this is kind of a "poor you" situation because I don't have the same schedules as working mother's, but it is equally as difficult when you have your time devoted to a little one, and her great grandmother, AND the fact that she hasn't taken hardly any day-time naps lately thanks to the traveling and interruptions with being in the hospital and what not... I know... boohoo! In a perfect world I would be taking my emotions out on my workouts, but how can I when I can't disconnect from the worry about my family, my house, my job search, everything just piles up in my head and I literally can't shut it off from the time I wake up to the time I finally get to close my eyes. I'm not finding an excuse to not eat healthy and be fit, I'm finding an excuse to feel like a human. I am not a machine, I have emotions and I am definitely the kind of person to wear my heart on my sleeve. No matter what emotion I'm feeling, you know it. I've felt guilty for trying to put my workouts before trips in the hospital, but felt guilty for putting them off when I know I have time. Life is such a balancing act, and maybe I do have to dial back on working out and how much time I spend doing so, or find something to fill that time effectively, or even just push through like I've been taught to do and suck it up. Who knows... This is where advice is appreciated! Even if it's just to take a break (maybe that's what I need to hear) and put certain things on the back burner.. WITHOUT GUILT!
Regardless, I WILL find a way to make this craziness all work whether it's adding or subtracting certain things for a little bit. I know things could be MUCH worse in my life and I am definitely taking a step back and counting my blessings, each and every one of them. Because you truly never know when things like this happen, and all you can do is use each and every incident as a learning experience. I've found myself internalizing this whole situation and it hasn't helped lately. I've been sad, angry, depressed, happy to cover the pain, and felt so many other emotions, but I wanted to let you all know that I can and will overcome this because I have strength within me, and around me.
Count your blessings,
Gina
I love how you open yourself right up! Gram is in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteThat's the blessing and curse of being an open book and wearing my emotions on my sleeve. Some love it, some hate it.. but either way it helps! <3! Thank you Jennifer <3!
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